They jokes
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Why are mountains very cold?
Because they are very cold.
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.
In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims of course, they went through 89 stories in only 5 minutes!
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
I was talking to a close friend that was Islamic.
He said he was being shipped to an amazing training.
I asked, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Camp Bin Laden."
I asked, "What do they do there?"
He answered, "They got bomb training and hand to hand combat training. Plus they got arts and crafts."
I asked, "What do you mean by arts and crafts?"
He said, "See this towel on my head?" I nodded. "I made it out of boxer jokes."
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week."
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."
Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?
Why?
So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.
Why were the people in the Twin Towers mad? They wanted a drive-through pepperoni pizza, but got a fly-through plane instead.