They jokes
They call me Juan, they call me Jose, but I'm Juan person.
Why do Americans suck at chess? Because they lost two towers.
If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me...
Why do orphans pray to God?
So they have someone to call father.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Lil Johnny looked in his pants and couldn’t find his fish, so he started to yell out, "Lil fishy, lil fishy, lil fishy!" They called child support and sent the parents to jail for putting a fish up a child’s butt.
Why are orphans' funerals so small?
They have no loved ones.
Q: Why are orphans so scared to get married?
A: They don't know what it feels like to have a family.
Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?
Cause that's the only way they get love.
So two dudes were at a bar and out of nowhere they hear, "Oi mate, talk to me like that again, I'm gonna shove this stick so far up your ass you'll look like a Popsicle."
There are 365 days in a year. Orphans have 363 because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.
So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.
So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂
When dwarfs get high, do they just get medium?
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't reach home.
Why can't orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy".
What do sloths and depressed people have in common?
They both hang from the tree.
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans! 🏀🏀😆😆
When they walk in and you're fucking... everyone at the morgue.
What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?
They both hang from trees.