Thereness jokes
A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.
Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?
Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.
Store owner: But still, why?
Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.
Store owner: Oh, I get it now!
Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.
Friend: Hey, let me give you a little riddle. There's a table [for] four people who are supposed to sit [at]. There is you, me, Will, Mary. In which order will they sit?
Other friend: Uhm, you, me, Mary, and Will?
Friend 1: Nope, guess again!
Other friend: Okay, what about "Will you marry me?" Oh, wait...
Friend 1: Of course!!!! :D
There was a woman sitting with me.
I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.
I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
There was a fish looking for a great meal. He looks above him and sees a fly. He thought, "If that fly drops six inches, I would have a meal." Long story short, a pussy gets wet.
After all the mudslides in the area, the streets became a mudder out there.
There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.
The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
The teacher says, "That's right."
The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
"That's right," the teacher says.
The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.
Stephen Hawking said there is no god.
God said there is no Stephen Hawking.
Why did the white girl come back from Africa?
Because there was no water for her to drink. I'm black.
Knock knock. Who's there? You... You who? You smell like shit!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.
Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?
The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....
There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."
Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!
Hello 🤩 I'm here to ask, are there more doors or wheels? Like for doors, dislike for wheels. Comment for your reasons. I'm interested to see what will happen.
There is only one thing I have to give my enemies.
A bucket full of dead baby heads and semen so they can replenish their spawn.
Two tourists climb a mountain that utters certain doom.
One tourist falls down. The tourist that's still on the mountain says, "You ok down there?"
The other tourist says, "Can't I just rest in peace?!"
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.
Best way to trick your friends:
A brick falls out of a plane.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.
Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.