Thereness jokes

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Chicken.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Yo mum." "Yo mum who?" "Yo mum is watching you wank right now."

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in a different box.

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

Did you know there are black holes billions of years old?

What’s more amazing is the black holes Stephen Hawking studied. We're only 14 years old.

Knock knock. Who's there? Ya. Ya who? Sorry, I prefer Google.

Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.

2. You can't count your hair.

3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You just tried number three.

5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.

6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.

7. You skipped number 5.

8. You just checked if there was a number 5.

9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

Too many Cheetahs.