Thereness jokes

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.

The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.

Pick up lines.

"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"

"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Spell.

Spell who?

W. H. O.

What does Michael Jackson and maths have in common? They're both hard for kids.

Why do orphans hate knock knock jokes?

Because there is never anyone at the door.

There is a feminist group in my town.

It is called Gal-Qaeda.

(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)

What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!

These days, there are only two political parties in India: BJP and anti-BJP.

Why did little Susie fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms or legs.

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

Not Susie.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to find their dad again.

Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?

Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.

Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.

There's something on your chin... no, the 3rd one.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

What's the best thing about fucking twenty-one year olds?

That there's twenty of them hoo hoo hee hooo harr haar dee harr harr

I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!

Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.

Why are Americans good at Rubik's Cubes?

They're so good at separating colors.