Thereness jokes
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt, quack!
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
I tried writing with a dull pencil the other day, but there was no point.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
There's no smoke or fire without a Muslim.
Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.
Why did the vegetable cross the road? He didn't, he just sat there.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Why do orphans hate knock knock jokes?
Because there is never anyone at the door.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W. H. O.
What does Michael Jackson and maths have in common? They're both hard for kids.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Susie.
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.
These days, there are only two political parties in India: BJP and anti-BJP.
What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
There's something on your chin... no, the 3rd one.