Thereness jokes

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

A truck carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours straight.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not your dad.

A kid asks Trump:

Kid: "Where are the confidential files?"

Trump: "There they are, bud!"

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

There's nothing else that can beat up dog.

What's up, dog?

Just my depression!

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

The man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny piano player. The piano player starts playing the piano. The guy next to him asks where he got that. The man says there is a genie out on the corner granting wishes.

So the man sitting next to him jumps up and runs outside. He says to the genie, "I want a million bucks." The genie snaps his fingers, and a million ducks appear in the road. The man comes back inside and says, "Hey, that genie is a little hard of hearing." The man says, "Well, did you really think I'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?"

Okay so not a joke but like- There's a fucking noose in my school gym.

There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

Why is there a big old gay parade on one of the first days of summer?

Pride always cometh before the fall.

I’m gay because I nutted on the wall, now there are walnuts.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Cakatoo."

"Cakatoo who?"

"So, you're a Rooster now?"

Knock knock. Who's there? Bad joke.

God said, "Let there be light," and it was lit!

A funny joke:

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Who. "Who who?" Ha, who who, you sound like an owl! "Fuck you!"