Thereness jokes
A man goes into a job interview and sits down.
The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"
The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"
The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"
The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."
What’s the difference between women and condoms?
There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
I told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.
Me: Knock knock.
Person: Who's there?
Me: No-one.
Person: No-one who?
Me:...........
My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!
I'm a big fan of white boards; they're remarkable.
When does it rain money?
When there's a change in the weather.
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
Orphan: Am going to see my mom in the kitchen because they are always in there.
Orphan: Realizes.
If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.
Michael Jackson is happy when there are twenty-eight-year-olds.
Stop telling orphan jokes before they tell their parents.
Oh wait, they don't have any, please continue.
What do you do when you're bored?
I beat up orphans.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
*trigger alert*
Why did the racist cop shut down the space brothel?
Because there were too many black holes.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
What does a Mexican not like in their drink? Ice.
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.
Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.
After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.