Thereness jokes

What do most disabled people eat?

Their arm.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

Once there was a boat. Its friends said,

"It's time to come back." And the boat said,

"No way. I don't give into pier pressure."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the gay guy's house. Knock, knock. Who's there? Chicken.

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

Knock knock. Who's there? Ieatmop. I eat mop who? Eww, you eat your poo?

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobody. Nobody who? (HAHAHAHAHAHA)

How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

He didn’t, there was no lift...!

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his son wanted to charge their phone, so they unplugged him.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby?

Both of their legs don't work.

Knock knock.

Who is there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go moooooooooooo, not whooooooooooooooooooooo!

What's the best thing about having sex with a 26-year-old?

There's 20 of them.

There's a sexy milf that lives next door. The only thing better is her 8 Y/O.

I hope there is a lift to heaven. I shouldn’t be making jokes though.

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.