Thereness jokes

I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.

What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.

What’s the best part about twenty-eight year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

Hey guys, Billy has this weird disability where when he has sex with someone, he says their name really loud.

Billy: Hey guys, I just got back from my DADS!!

Wait, what Billy?

These days, there are only two political parties in India: BJP and anti-BJP.

When I went to basketball training, there was a giant bag of basketballs on the floor.

My friend was like, "That's a huge sack of balls!"

He didn't realize what was about to happen.

"That's what she said!"

Look in the mirror. There's a joke for you.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock. "Who's there?" Not Sally.

Two mates walk into a bar.

Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"

Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."

Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"

Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."

Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"

A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.

The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

So a woman walked into a bar. There was a man. She went up to him and said, "You're cute." He said, "Yeah, and you don't deserve equal rights."

Cock cock, who's there? Nobody.

Roll your eyes back, you might find a brain back there.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the knucklehead's house...

Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.

Anything can be funny with the right delivery, except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Why did the bat fall out of the tree?

It couldn’t hang in there.

What’s the best part about banging twenty-eight year olds? There are twenty of them.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

How do Asians name their kids?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)