Thereness jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the knucklehead's house...
Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.
Anything can be funny with the right delivery, except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
Why did the bat fall out of the tree?
It couldn’t hang in there.
What’s the best part about banging twenty-eight year olds? There are twenty of them.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
How do Asians name their kids?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)
How does the sea say hello?
It WAVES you.
SEA what I did there?
I'm SHORE you saw it.
Don't be SALTY!
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt, quack!
What is the best part about having sex with 43 year olds?
There are 40 of them.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"But I'm not dead yet!"
"But we're not there yet."
Dad, there was one day I was playing jump rope with a pig, and then I made pulled pork out of him.
Son, he is dinner.
Knock knock. Who's there? Ligma. Ligma who? LIGMA BALLS!
Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?
Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...
Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!
The Columbine High School basketball team hasn't been the same since they lost their two best shooters.
God said, "Let there be light," and it was lit!
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.