Thereness jokes

When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.

Stop complaining. Pedophile jokes are pretty funny, but to say there are over 100 of them only to have repeats of the same joke told by different people is very disappointing.

Spock went to the Enterprise's toilet and he knocked on it. "Kirk, are you in there?" Spock asked.

Kirk answered, "Hold on, I am making a captain's log."

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and a lizard?

There is no difference.

There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.

At least Stephen Hawking does something.

There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?

A pentagon!

(9/11 joke)

Three gay guys walk into a bar.

There is only one stool left, what do they do?

They flip the stool over.

My sister has cows, and after 4 months, she said there was a mis-steak.

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going to the airport, which one gets there first? The lesbian, duh, they get there "lickety-split."

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

Because there was a school on the other side.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Bin Laden promised 76 virgins to Al-Qaeda.

Instead, there was one 76-year-old virgin.

In Antarctica, there are ice dicks for ladies to hop onto.

Little do they know I've been waiting for this moment.

What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?

There's brains all over the place.

When I went to basketball training, there was a giant bag of basketballs on the floor.

My friend was like, "That’s a huge sack of balls."

He didn’t realize what was about to happen.