Thereness jokes
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Susie.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
There was a chicken sitting on the bench. Then came another one. Then there were two.
Stranger: Knock knock.
Person: Who's there?
Stranger: Sugma.
Person: Sugma who?
Stranger: Sugma balls, kid!
What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
What's the best thing about 23 year olds? There are twenty of them.
Knock knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinnnnnn!
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
What happened to the eight-year-old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church?
The priest stopped him on the way there.
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use, you wouldn't get it.
Stephen Hawking couldn't make it to Heaven because there were stairs, so he rolled down to Hell.
"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
I have a saying. Whenever you find a sink, there's probably a dead baby inside it...
If you are on here, don’t hate. There will be rude ones, but it doesn’t matter.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.