Them jokes
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
Why are dolphins so smart?
Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!
You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."
Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.
How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?
They slash them.
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
How do you blind an Asian?
Put a windshield in front of them.
Where did Jeffrey Epstein go to college?
Bring them young.
Why does Darth Vader always choke people?
Because he wants them to feel what his Sith Lord does to him in bed.
Kid says to genie,
"I want to be like Batman!"
Kid goes home, both of them are dead.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower? One of them gets picked.
What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?
Kids play with both of them.
Why can't you teach an orphan new tricks?
Because there is no one to teach them.
What are the similarities between orphans and unripe strawberries?
None of them get picked.
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.