Them jokes
Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"
People are like trees...
They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
What do an abortion and a baby have in common?
The mom doesn't want either of them.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.
Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.
What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
What are the similarities between a pedophile and a 9/11 plane?
They both came from behind and crushed them.
What do a friend and a mouse have in common? They will both be angry if you throw bricks at them.
What kinds of apples grow on trees?
All of them.
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.
How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.
What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?
They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
What’s the difference between a mother and a fetus at an abortion office?
Only one of them is scared.
What did the squirrel say to the dog?
"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.
What’s the best thing about 26 year olds?
There are 20 of them.
Friends are like penguins: if you stab them, they die. 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈