Them jokes
When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!
Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.
Words that have "ho" in them:
Thot
Whore
Asshole
Horrible
Horena (my ex gf)
Me: "What are you doing??"
Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"
Me: "I don't know."
Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"
Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"
Don't bully kids.
Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?
They hate it when you hand it to them.
It's even better when they get charged by a 19 yo with a funny boom boom stick
One night, a father heard his daughter saying good night.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good night, Mamah."
"Good bye, Papa."
The next day her papa died.
He heard her saying them a month later.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good bye, Mamah."
The next day her mamah died.
Well, her dad was scared for his life. He knew he was next. Well, his daughter said them again.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good bye, Dad."
The next day, the mail man dropped dead on their porch.
When prostitutes misbehave, do their pimps make them stand out on the corner with a "For Rent" sign on their crotch?
Trump's cabinet are like panties. Some crawl up your butt, some snap under pressure, and some actually cover your butt when you need them.
Helicopters fly because they are so ugly that the ground pushes them away.
If a depressed kid tries to high five a tree, it leaves them hanging.
What do orgasms and pulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
Bick: Jesus isn't real.
Ron: Yes, He is.
Bick: Prove it, bitch.
Ron: Cussing is a sin. Open the curtains.
Bick: Wh-?
Ron: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!
The sunlight shone through the window, landing on Ron and Bick. Both of them died and went to hell.
Ron: Fuck you, Jesus.
Bick: Told you Jesus was real.
Satan: Get to work, slaves.
Moral of the story: Stay off the marijuana.
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"
"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."
How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?
They slash them.
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
When a fat person wants to kill themselves, why are they so worried? The diabetes will get to them sooner or later!
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
Little boys turn them on.