Them jokes

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?

A blender.

How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.

Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men.

That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.

Lemme just say one thing:

Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.

What's the same with a controller and a woman?

They both work if you hit them.

Trump likes to grab 'em by the pussy. Putin likes to grab them by their tiny hands.

Codenames for them FUCKING drugs, my crackhead ngas.

Cannabis: Weed, Pot, Ganja, Herb, Grass, Mary Jane, Bud, Chronic, Kush, Trees, Hash, Hashish (concentrates).

Cocaine: Coke, Blow, Snow, Dust, Charlie, White girl, Pearl, Nose candy, Rail, Sniff.

Crack Cocaine: Rock, Hard, Nuggets, Dice, Jelly beans, Moon rocks, Sugar block.

Heroin: Smack, H, Dope, Junk, Black tar, Brown sugar, China white, Horse, Dragon, Skag.

Methamphetamine (Meth): Crank, Speed, Chalk, Ice, Crystal, Glass, Shards, Tina.

MDMA (Ecstasy/Molly): E, X, XTC, Molly, Beans, Adam, Happy pill, Love drug, Dancing shoes.

LSD: Acid, Tabs, Doses, Dots, Blotter, Window pane, Sugar cubes.

Ketamine: Special K, K, Vitamin K, Cat Valium, Green K.

An Aussie, an Asian, and a Frenchman are in a bar.

The Asian throws his whiskey in the air and shoots it. The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Asian says, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

The Frenchman throws his champagne in the air and shoots it. Then the Aussie asks, "Why did you do that?" The Frenchman replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

The Aussie then throws his beer up in the air and shoots the Asian. Then the Frenchman asked, "Why did you do that?" The Aussie then replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

I was going from Germany to Austria, and I accidentally crossed the border illegally. When the police caught me, they told me I was a Nazi. I asked them, "Why?" They said I didn't see the border.

POV them: What's one move to get a man motivated in bed?

Her: All you gotta give is that hawk tuah and spit on that thang, you get me?

I love teaching students

how to make them harm themselves.

What do birds and children have in common?

If you shoot them, they die.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Why do orphans play GTA?

To make them feel wanted.

Why can't an orphan have sex?

Because they can't call them "daddy."

Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...

Bloody seamen.

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.

The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.

The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.