Theft jokes

I always use chloroform when stealing a child.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a Risk I was willing to take.

Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. She came crawling back!

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.