The jokes

My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.

-JFK

Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and a dinosaur?

The dinosaur once existed.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

What did the lesbian vampire say to the heterosexual woman after the lesbian vampire was done licking the pussy of the heterosexual woman?

"When is your next blood period?"

The saddest painting you will see is a mirror.

What war did Africa not win? The water fight.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was stuffed.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

What is the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You need to drop the bomb twice on her before she gets it.

What are the best shooting ranges in America?

Schools.

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!