The jokes

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

What do you call the place where an octopus is sitting?

Octopied.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.

What’s the difference between a bird and a human?

“We don’t eat with our peckers.”

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill’s candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock ‘cause Jill’s real name is Randy.

Yes, this joke is stolen.

Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>

The "W" in African stands for water.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.

A depressed kid tried to give a tree a high-five, but the tree left him hanging.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

How do you tell the difference between a Palestinian elementary school and a terrorist training camp?

Answer... I don't know, I just fly the drone.