The jokes
What does a lesbian bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
A grasshopper jumps into a bar.
The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"
Yo mama so ugly!
The mime broke his 30 year streak of silence!!!!
Children in the dark make mistakes.
Mistakes in the dark make children.
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the gay (guys/girls) house.
(Wait awhile) then ask “knock knock?” Other person says “Who’s there?”
A: The chicken.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!
I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."
What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?
A DEPPression.
(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).
How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.
What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?
A robot can feign empathy.
Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."
Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"
Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
What’s the difference between Disney+ and P*rnhub?
Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.
There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”
Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.
I finally know why my brain doesn't work!
On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
What makes an ISIS joke funny?
The execution.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.