The jokes

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

What did the panther say at the Poker Party? "I would be lion if I said I was a cheetah."

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Why did the skeleton want a friend? He was feeling bonely.

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

A grasshopper jumps into a bar.

The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"

Yo mama so ugly!

The mime broke his 30 year streak of silence!!!!

Children in the dark make mistakes.

Mistakes in the dark make children.

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the gay (guys/girls) house.

(Wait awhile) then ask “knock knock?” Other person says “Who’s there?”

A: The chicken.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?

A DEPPression.

(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).

How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.