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The jokes

Life

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

Girl

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Blonde

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

Act

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

Memes

The memes

Panther

What did the panther say at the Poker Party? "I would be lion if I said I was a cheetah."

Cop

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Magician

Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.

One piece

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Clock

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

Toaster

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Depression

Q: Why was the depressed kid sad on Christmas?

A: They weren't hanging like the ornaments on a tree.

Self Harm

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

Food

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

Orphan

It's not funny to joke about orphans. Without any education, they'd never understand what the jokes mean.