The jokes

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?

Father Les.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

They made a horror movie about the Chinese president.

It's called "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey."

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto.

Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

Why is the German blind?

Because he's a "not see."