That jokes
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
What would a gay man do for free that a heterosexual woman that is a whore won't do for $50.00 for a heterosexual man?
Suck his balls.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that walks into a fire?
Hot Wheels.
Helicopters fly because they are so ugly that the ground pushes them away.
Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.
Your hairline goes so far back that it stretches the length of Ohio.
You might think that tigers or lions are the best jumpers, but in my opinion, it's emos, because some of them are still in the air.
What did the corn say to the flying apple?
"That's corny."
Yo mama so fat that when he was talking to a man, her bowels fell out.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
What is an owl that wears armor?
So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.
The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.
Yo mama was so fat that she jumped so hard, and the earth started shaking like an earthquake.
What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class.
I started playing the Angry Birds theme song. That didn't fly well with people, the teacher yelled at me like a bomb, and I landed on the ground.