That jokes

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

Fat bully. That was just the starter, now do you want the main course?

Me: I don't think I want that because you already ate it.

What did one ass cheek say to the other?

"Blimey, what's that smell coming from the corridor?"

If my mom decides to get Chick-fil-A for dinner, and when I decide to eat my family for dinner, is that called cannibalism?

What do you call a fat Chinese person that talks way too much? Panda Express.

Q: What do you call a dog that stepped in its own shit?

A: I don't know.

On April Fool's, go to an orphanage and tell them that their parents are here to pick them up.

I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.

Yo momma so fat that it was hard to find the G spot and slip her one at night.

Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium hooked up last night?

OMg!

Yo mama so fat...

That when she used a jump rope... Every time she jumped caused a giant cataclysm!

So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."

Yo mama so fat that when she saw Thanos and he tried to snap her out of existence, it didn't work, and he said, "Man, I quit!"

Do you know the teacher that went up into space?

You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

I got something long stuck inside me last night, dammit, that needle hurt.

What's braver than coming out gay? Taking a shit in an elementary school bathroom with those two kids that always mess with you and turn off the lights.

Every Cobra Kai joke that was made, it's just me.

Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

Next day:

Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

Proof that words really can hurt.

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.