That jokes

Child

    • "Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

  • 1

    • Bomb

    • Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

    Pinocchio

    • Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

  • 1
    • That memes

    Mama

    • Yo mama so fat that she walked in front of the TV, and I missed a whole episode of iCarly.

    Wheelchair

    • A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

    Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

    Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

    Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

  • 10

    • Orphanage

    • There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.

    Reminder

    • Hey, guys! Just a quick reminder to spread kindness today and treat others how you want to be treated!

    Rate your day on a scale of 1-10 in the comments below. Mine was about a 7. Also, can you guys please comment [on] what you guys want me to cover in these little messages? Sometimes it's hard to tell if you guys like that I'm doing this kind of stuff or not.

  • 8

    • Bear

    • I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

  • 0

    • Kid

    • One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

    Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

  • 2

    • Telephone Number

    • Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

    "And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

  • 0

    • Banana

    • Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

    This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

  • 5

    • Turtle

    • I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

    Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.