That jokes
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
A rooster ran across the border from the USA to Canada and laid an egg. Which country does that egg belong to?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
Yo mama so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone.
My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!
What did the skeleton say before dinner? "Bone appetit." His whole family found that humerus.
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.
"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."
What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.
[Chorus 2x]
Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus]
And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
How did you get that? Used your life savings?
What do you call a squirrel that flies? A flying squirrel.
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.
Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.
Did you hear about how that deaf man got a ticket?
It's ok, he didn't either!
What do you call a Jedi that can use the force to fly?
A Jedi Flight.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.