What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?
A vowel movement.
What do you call a restaurant that sells food that contains weed?
McBongald's.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -- A stick.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
