That jokes
Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
Two persons were in a car. The brakes were broken and they were going so fast that they would crash and die.
The driver said: "Oh no! We will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied: "Don't panic, the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."
What do you call a priest that is a furry?
A Catholic.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He just couldn't see that well.
How to treat someone who’s lesbian, gay, queer, transgender or bisexual?
The same way that you would treat anybody else, you homophobic bastard.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
A man puts in ten jokes into a joke contest. He hopes that at least one will win. Sadly, no pun intended.
These are all of my terrible jokes.
Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing.
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says, "Does this taste funny to you? I'm joking of course!"
Dejamoo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor "I can't feel my legs." The doctor said, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says, "Dam!"
A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out for a "small medium at large."
A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh.
A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart.
I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis.
A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart.
Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels were a lie.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck.
Why couldn't the dinosaur break the wall? I don't know. I'm asking you.
Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.
There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It's an owl it can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
I heard a joke about chocolate bars, and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.
What do you call a washed vegetable?
A disabled kid that needs a towel.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."