Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.
The creator's son tried that!
(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.
I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
So, gender equality is the idea that a woman can do anything a man can, right? That they should be treated the same? So, therefore, if she swings on me, I could punch her into the Twin Towers because of gender equality. I love gender equality.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, it will never come for me.
Why are Americans stupid? They shoot everyone that goes to school.
If James Bond is the most famous spy, wouldn't that also make him the worst spy?
How do our brains remember that we forgot something, but we can't remember what that thing was?
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Does that dick match that forehead? 👀
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Your smile is so nice that the moon shines off them.
You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!
You're so wonderful that Wonderland booked tickets to meet you!
You're so brilliant and bright that the Sun wears sunglasses when you're near!
You're so awesome that the word 'awesome' demanded its title back!
You're so cool that celebrities take pictures of you.
