That jokes
Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?
Now he's a bronze fish.
I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.
In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.
They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"
The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.
Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.
Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.
Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.
Why do orphans always go to church? Because that’s the only place they could call someone "father."
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers? A redneck virgin.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
You really can't call Stalin bad. Just think about the people that wanted to die.
You really can't call Stalin bad, just think about the kids that depression.
Roses are red, That's a tin can, You have no home, So get in the van!
How do we get a butt? God made us like that, and we can't change it. If you wanted to, you have to die <:
A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."
What did the corn say to the flying apple?
"That's corny."
Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?
I wake up and I find myself on the floor.
Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?
...
You do realize that I said nothing, right?
Me: Exactly :)
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
Kid: Aye, Mum, I'mma do something Dad could never do.
Mum: And that is?
*Kid walks out.*
*Kid comes back in with milk.*
Mum: I'mma beat ya ass!
God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!