Tell jokes

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....

How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.

How do you get Carrie Underwood to dehydrate fast?

Tell her that all the water supplies contain the COVID vaccine.

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

How do you get Wacko Jacko to screw a lightbulb?

Tell Jacko that the bulb is a 6-year-old boy.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

How to tell your kid he's adopted:

Son, I'm a virgin.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."