Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....
I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?
Sure, just tell me how to put on a mask.
After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter.... ... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary: Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down.
if a orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year tell them for you only 363 days because you skip fathers day and mothers day.
Me: I’m gonna smite the life out of you!!! Orphan: What! No! Please no! Me: What you gonna do? Run home and tell your parents? Wait, I forgot, you don’t have a home or parents!!!!!
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
Man walks in to the doctor He says” doctor I need a new butt mine has a crack in it” Doctor-how many time do I have to tell you!!!
once i told a abortion joke and this woman was like ̈ive had abortion thats offensive ̈ and i was like ̈i just tell jokes i think what you do is much worse ̈
me shut up! if you don't shut up i'm gonna tell your parents
you why? I don't have any
hi this is Chloe and i am about to tell you about my joke . why did the cow cross the road because to get to the other side.
Why is an Orphan good at being naught? Bc they don't have no one to tell them of
Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah) Student: How should I know, that's his story 🤷♀️
How to tell your kid is adopted? Hi daisy lets play a game called your adopted i will start your mum died so i had to adopt you but dont think i live you beacuse ypur where the only kid their haha
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism? It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
A blonde walks into the Doctors office. She tells the Doctor, " My boyfriend has dandruff". The Doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the Doctors phone rings. He answers, its the Blonde. The Doctor asks how he can help her. " Well Doctor, I understand head, but how do you hove shoulders?"...........
So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."
For all of my musicians out there!
Tell me a joke
My life
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's so he goes home and ask his mom who's cooking "Whats the first letter of the ABC's?" he ask and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!" so then he walks to sister who's signing in the shower and asks her "Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" she responds with "I'm ready to go I'm ready to go!" then he walks over to his brother who's watching batman and asks "Whats the 3rd letter of the ABC's" and his brother responds with "nu nu nu nu batman" then he proceeds to walk to his dad who's watching football and ask "Dad whats the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" then he walks to his grandma who's cooking buns and ask her "Whats the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" then he Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day and the teacher says to her class "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's" Johnny of course raises his hand and the teacher calls on him then he says "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says "Young man are you ready to go to the principals office?" then he proceeds to say "I'm ready to go I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principals office then she says "What's you're name son?" he responds with "Nu nu nu nu batman!" then the principal ask "How many spanken's boy?!" he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD" and after that he runs out of the principal's office well yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"
