Surprise jokes
LBB- me and Shrek built a theme park for you mummy and it’s called Dummy pee pee poo poo doo doo land because Shrek likes to poop.
Shrek- Should I pull the trap?
*LBB’s mom walks into the trap*
LBB and Shrek- surprise we’re mailing you to Peepoo Peepoo AB
Little Timmy is hanging out with Rapunzel, and he mentions Hugo and a few other characters from Varian And The Seven Kingdoms, and she responds with, “Who the frick are you talking about? Since I don’t know them, I got a surprise for you!” She wraps him up in Christmas wrapping paper labeled "For Eugene."
My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.
A guy is walking down the street when he almost steps in something. He looks down and says, "Looks like shit."
He crouches down and smells it, "Smells like shit."
He sticks his finger in, tastes it, "Tastes like shit."
He then smiles and says, "Well, good thing I didn't step on it!"
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.
I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
I was in the corner shop to buy some lottery tickets, and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.
I guess you can say she had me in a trans.
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
It's no surprise Donald Trump moved to Florida. That's where the oranges are.
Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"
"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."
I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"
"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.
"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"
"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"
Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."