Suicide jokes

Yo mama is so ugly, her self-portraits hanged themselves.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they got excited and asked if I could drive a B-52.

I stood on the edge of a building and someone yelled, "Do a flip!"..... and I did.

Hey I have a joke for you.

My life hahah. I wanna die.

A leaf and an emo kid fall from a tree. Which one is gonna land first?

The leaf, because the rope stops the emo kid.

I was riding my bike when I saw a man's head in the wheel. It was mine.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

Are you a rope? Because I want to hang sometimes.

If you drop an emo and a piece of paper out of a tree, you know what will hit the floor first? The paper, because the rope will stop the emo.

Why did the emo step in front of a car? To get to the other side.

So put your best face on everybody, pretend you know this song everybody.

*pulls out noose* "COME HANG!"

*pulls out gun* Let's go out with a bang... Bang- *gunshot*

Ever had that feeling that suicidal people are a big contributor to the razor blade industry?

Well, they aren't.

Why?

They aren't repeated customers.

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

Who was most surprised by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide?

Jeffrey Epstein.

What does a physicist call it when a suicidal person is high up? Potential energy.

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)