Suicide jokes

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

An apple and an emo are at the top of a tree, they both fall at the same time.

Who hit the ground first?

The apple won because the emo had forgotten to connect the internet.

A leaf and an emo kid fall from a tree. Which one is gonna land first?

The leaf, because the rope stops the emo kid.

Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"

Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."

Are you a rope? Because I want to hang sometimes.

If you drop an emo and a piece of paper out of a tree, you know what will hit the floor first? The paper, because the rope will stop the emo.

So put your best face on everybody, pretend you know this song everybody.

*pulls out noose* "COME HANG!"

*pulls out gun* Let's go out with a bang... Bang- *gunshot*

Why did the emo step in front of a car? To get to the other side.

Cars are like bullets; you jump in front of one, and they solve all your problems.

Lemme just say one thing:

Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.

Rape victim: I want to die.

Man: Hang in there.

Rape victim: That's what I'll do, I'll hang myself.

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

What is an emo's most hated game? Hangman.

Because it's rubbing it in their face that they can't hang themselves.

What happened when the depressed kid went to give it a high five?

It left him hanging.

This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

When there are more suicidal people, it means there are fewer suicidal people. That means there is an infinite generator of them.

What does Kurt have in common with painters?

They paint walls.

Why is the record for longest jump kept by an emo?

They're still hanging.