Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
Suicide Jokes
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
What did one depressed kid say to the other?
Hey, wanna hang together?
I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.
And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."
What did I say to the bridge?
Bye, bridge.
Hang in there, you all, Literally.
What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.
Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.
People wear chokers, and I'm a choker too, because I tried to choke myself 6 times.
I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!
Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.
Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"
Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."
You learn from the best.
I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.
I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.
what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
How did the man with no arms commit suicide?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.
Tbh they really left me hanging there.
A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"
[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0
