Suicide

Suicide jokes

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

Hey, people don't fly with suicide jokes.

In fact, they hang with them!

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.