Suicide jokes
Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.
Person B: Over my dead body.
Person B: *gets the noose*
where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere!
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)
I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
"Mitchnite burger."
Murder, murder, suicide by police.
"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.
Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.
The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"
He grabs a noose.
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
Your momma's so depressed, she shot herself in the head hoping she'd die.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope...
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"
Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.
What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?
Suicide squad.
Go Kermit, toaster bath.