Suicide jokes
What do suicidal people and apples have in common?
They both hang from trees.
I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.
I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.
What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?
They both erupt when triggered.
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.
Friend: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Friend: Your life.
Me: Ahhh, I wish!
*jumps off building*
My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭
How do you get your grass to cut itself?
Make it depressed.
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."
If at first it doesn't succeed, try, try again.
What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?
Answer: He was left there hanging.
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?
A: Wanna hang out?
If you unironically think someone who killed themselves should have their body in jail, you are honestly such a fucking embarrassment to humanity.