Stole jokes

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

A man walks into his house, only to find out somebody stole all of his lamps. He was absolutely delighted.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

An orphan entered the high school for the first time. He has no knowledge of the school. He went to the secretary and asked where he shall go. The secretary then gave the orphan a schedule and said to the orphan, “Where is homeroom?” The secretary then asked which homeroom number he was assigned, and he said "1." The orphan then started to weep and said that his parents died right as he stole his first base in baseball.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?

I stole a wheelchair. I knew the owner would come crawling back.

Why was the emo person dead inside?

Because I stole their insides.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. She came crawling back!

I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

Someone stole my balls :(

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

What do a stool and an emo have in common?

They both sit still.

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!