Stole jokes

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. She came crawling back!

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

I know this girl, Kamelah. She say, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I’m just tryna figure out why it look like Santa stole your hairline."

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

A man walks into his house, only to find out somebody stole all of his lamps. He was absolutely delighted.

Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Worst joke ever.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?