Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves...today was the tip of the iceberg
At the resturant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "Cuz she clearly has no taste." She responded.
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me*
“What do you call my friend group?* *Suicide Squad*
Brian has a crush on a cute girl Sally from school so he goes and tells his dad about her and he says sorry son you cant like her she is your sister. So Brian is okay with it and he starts to like another girl Madison and he goes up to his dad and says I have a crush on this girl Madison and again the dad goes oh sorry son you cant like any girl in school they are all your sisters so he goes crying to his mom and says dad said I cant like any girl because they are all my sisters and the mom goes oh it's okay you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad.
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret and I said, well you never know when you need to pick a lock
I was watching my boyfriends dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with the him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When i looked down, he appeared to be dead. My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do ,so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waiting for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said ,”you know , your dogs been a little depressed lately...”
When the school shooter is right outside the classroom window and the autistic kid starts trying to say hello to him.
Little Johnny is in class one day and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says what's so funny? He said I can see your bra strap. The teacher says don't come back to class for a week, so he get up and walked out. A few minutes later little Billy starts laughing, and she ask what's funny now? Little Billy said I can see both of your bra straps. The teacher says get out of my class room for a month. So little Billy got pissed he walked out and slammed the door, this scared the teacher and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up then she stood back up and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked where do you think your going? He said well teach after what I saw I'm done with school for a lifetime.
How does a cannibal start a wedding reception? He toasts the groom
Fortnite is just like high school. you get off the bus and start shooting everybody
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
The Orphan started crying at school when he got suspended and had to go home
I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
These three men wanted to start a band one had the idea to call them the rolling stones, one wanted to call them the veggies the other said lets be the cripples as they all rolled away
3 blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke , each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer. So the angel begins telling them the joke, one of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laugjhs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said ''this is the last step if you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass. The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, ''What do you ca..'' out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. ''Why are you laughing I haven't even finished the joke yet''? The blonde replies '' I just got the first joke''.
God: ok so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look like from being born to preteen. Satan:(slides in) I’ll take over for you pops. God: I dunno....this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system. Satan: don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18! God: Hmm...I’m still not-(Gets a call on his phone) shoot I got to take this. (Answers call) don’t touch anything Lucifer! (Walks away) Satan:.......(just touches lightly and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away) God:(rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?! God:(tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) fuck me........ God:....(sighs) fine it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
This isn't ketchup
