when the washer started running why did you join me: because i had to catch it.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star. He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him The next job he got was pumping petrol, halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle
Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
if a dog is white with black spots then it is 90% great and 10 % guilty because it half way starts crimes and is a mistake to the world and is punished by the white dogs that are full white and not mixed colors
What did the tree do when the bank closed? It started its own branch.
Q. What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common? A. If the stop sucking you can smack them till they start again.
i beat up a failed musician until he started crying. i thought a few hits would cheer him up!
The teacher made us present a slideshow to introduce ourselves. Mine is bright and colorful with music. It was so good that a kid started dancing!
I saw a kid sitting on the side of and asked if he was an orphan, “what gave me away?” “Well your parents for a start”
I'm dyslexic my sister was reading, whats the book I asked, she showed me the cover you reading The Scared Bull, she started laughing no The Sacred Bull
Your gf/bf says: "Im dating your uncle..." Your start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Dam"
ABIGABA DANIELTM
Mbu some guys look financially stable until you start dating them .., mbu wait l see how this week goes ..🤔
When your mum went to the uk and wore a yellow jacket everyone started yelling “taxi! Taxi!”
Why did Justin Bieber Start playing hide and seek with his fans - because they keepped
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!”, so I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Shout out to the terrorists your year is starting of with a bang
What’s a 5 letter word that starts with a ‘P’ that girls love to get their hands on? 😏
The only reason communism started was because god looked at your face
We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class. I started playing the angry birds theme song. That didn't fly well with people, the teacher yelled at me like an bomb, and I landed on the ground
For Some Reason People Make Fun Of My Name Because It Rimes With Something That Starts With An F
