SOS jokes

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.

Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

The world exploded, so now I need to visit Uranus.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.

If a woman gets raped, just walk away, don't bother. Cheer on the rapist if you want.

They believe they are equal to men, right? So they are able to fight back, right? Then prove it! My EQUALITY!

Your forehead is so huge, you don't have dreams, you have movies. Follow me on Instagram: _zer0x3.

Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay people can play Star Wars.

Why is America so bad at chess?

Because they already lost two towers.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.