SOS jokes

(I'm Asian so I can say this.) If I say that we are made of money, that just means you can fit pennies through our little eye slits, and we can save them for you in there!

So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).

Yo mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can and I asked her what she was doing and she said moving.

You don't want to know why it takes so long to put a dead woman in a mass-produced coffin in a pre-buried grave dug by machinery that is then filled by mourners.

You're so skinny, you swallowed a meatball and thought you were pregnant!

Just watched my friend take a steak out of her pocket. That steak was so outta pocket.

Unknown be like: "Wah wah, I'm too scared to talk to girls in real life, so I bully random tweens I find online to make me feel better... what a shame."

Yo momma so skinny, she wipes with floss!

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."

Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.

Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.

Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.

Once there was a man. A man who had a butt.

Once he was at this job interview and he was going to get the job, but just before the boss was going to hire him, he farted. It was a really bad one. It was 47 minutes long and so loud the windows rattled. When it was over, the man screamed and jumped out the window.

He didn't get the job.

Son: Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?

Because your mother had diabetes.

One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted.

The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing."

"What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun.

"Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face as you climax.

Hears a clean joke: My horse got muddy, so I gave him a bubble bath.

Now hears a dirty joke: Bubbles is the horse next door.

Yo Mama so fat that when she took a photo of herself to get it printed out, it took 15 years to finish!

I'm so lonely, even the alphabet says "Hi."

JK.

You're so damn ugly that the robbers only go into your house to close the blinds.

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.