SOS jokes

Unknown be like: "Wah wah, I'm too scared to talk to girls in real life, so I bully random tweens I find online to make me feel better... what a shame."

Yo momma so skinny, she wipes with floss!

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."

Once there was a man. A man who had a butt.

Once he was at this job interview and he was going to get the job, but just before the boss was going to hire him, he farted. It was a really bad one. It was 47 minutes long and so loud the windows rattled. When it was over, the man screamed and jumped out the window.

He didn't get the job.

Your clown is so stupid it took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Son: Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?

Because your mother had diabetes.

One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted.

The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing."

"What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun.

"Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face as you climax.

Hears a clean joke: My horse got muddy, so I gave him a bubble bath.

Now hears a dirty joke: Bubbles is the horse next door.

Yo Mama so fat that when she took a photo of herself to get it printed out, it took 15 years to finish!

I'm so lonely, even the alphabet says "Hi."

JK.

You're so damn ugly that the robbers only go into your house to close the blinds.

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.

A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.

Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?

Because its head is so far away from its body.

Your Momma's so fat, the recursive function calculating her mass causes a stack overflow.

Your mama so fat that when she went to McDonald's, they said, "Sorry, you've had enough, ma'am."

Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.

Yo mama is so fat, a rogue shadowstepped her and got a loading screen.