Someone jokes

I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.

How do you know someone is autistic?

They get stuck in a loop very often.

Someone telling a joke:

Boy: "My parents are dead."

Girl: "My grandad is too."

Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"

Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"

My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.

She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭

Why couldn’t the midget talk?

Because someone stepped on him.

I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.

Why is that a joke?

Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.

Why is that a joke?

Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?

Why is that a joke?

She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.

No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.

I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

I don't know?!?

"Shout out to entity...welcome to hell!"

"Every time I see your icon I vomit lol."

"Get a life... hey I'm violet olivegarden how can I help you if you need me to disc someone ill help..."

What would an orphan ask for Christmas?

"A someone."

When did “yo” mean Hello?

They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."

Someone was walking down the street and they saw some neat...

"Diarrhea cha cha cha, Diarrheal cha cha cha!"

I live in a world made of cheese. Someone stubbed their toe and screamed, "Cheese-its, Christ!"

Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.

They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.

If I had a dollar for every time someone did something stupid,

I would have approximately 7.8 Billion dollars.

When someone pops up in your life making you all happy, you be like, "Who sent you?"

It would be a miracle if someone figured out the length of your hairline.

Orphan lady: Ok kids, someone donated groceries.

Orphans: YAY!

5 minutes later...

Orphans: Wait... where's the...

Orphan lady: *tries to hold daughter*

Person who donated: *holds milk in hand* hehe

If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.

Why do orphans become hookers?

'Cause they can call someone "daddy."

Why are orphans gay? To call someone "daddy."