Someone jokes
If it is someone's birthday, say this for a joke:
"A long time ago in a far away galaxy...
YOU WERE BORN!"
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
You're so fat, when someone calls you fat, you get depressed and cut you a slice of cake.
I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building? A cliffhanger.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
Your forehead is so big someone thought it was a billboard.
A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."
They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.
I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.
... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
Why do orphans go to church?
So at least they will have someone to call father.
As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.
Class: no one stands up.
Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room*
Little Johnny: *stands up*
Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?
Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.
Orphan: Help, I'm lost.
Someone: Wears your parents.
Orphan: >:(