Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
Why did the orphan go to church?
So they had someone to call Father.
If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?
Why were the Twin Towers traumatized about eating?
After someone said, "HERE COMES THE AIR PLANE(s)," it just wasn't the same..........
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
why do orphans go to church?
because they can finally call someone "father."
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Why don't you see black people with Down syndrome?
Because God doesn't punish someone twice.
Why do orphans go to church so much?
So they can have someone to call father.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it had its ion someone else.
Why do most orphans become prostitutes?...
'Cause they need to find someone to call DADDY.
Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?
Your momma is so stupid, when someone said it’s chilly outside, she brought a spoon and bowl.
Leo: Mother, what is an idiot?
Mother: An idiot is someone that explains something in a long, boring way so that the person that the idiot is trying to explain to doesn't understand.
Mother: Do you understand?
Leo: No.
What’s the difference between a parentless child and someone who is fond of unprocessed metals?
One is an orphan, and the other is an ore fan.
A computer is a HARDware device. How come someone still feels it is MicroSOFT?
Everyone always has a special person in their life someday, but I think yours got ran over by a bus.
