Someone jokes

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

Why do orphans pray to God?

So they have someone to call father.

Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?

Kids: Because you're a psycho path.

If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?

Get a head in life by decapitating someone.

Why were the Twin Towers traumatized about eating?

After someone said, "HERE COMES THE AIR PLANE(s)," it just wasn't the same..........

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

What makes 9/11 an inside job?

Someone started calling it 10/7.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought someone else was ugly, but then I saw you.

what do baby’s and grenades have in common?

They both are silent but then when thrown at someone make a loud noise

Why do orphans go to church?

So they can call someone father!

Why was the Orphan boy gay?

So he can call someone Daddy.

why do orphans go to church?

because they can finally call someone "father."

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Like if you meet someone emo.

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?...

'Cause they need to find someone to call DADDY.

How do you know someone has Down syndrome?

They're doing better than you.