Someone jokes

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.

Why do prepubescent orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”.

Someone in my class described the KKK as ghosts with pointy hats... I mean, he's not wrong.

What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?

One of them is a domesticated pet.

Why did the orphan go to church?

So he had someone to call Father.

Why did the orphan go to church?

So they had someone to call Father.

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

Get a head in life by decapitating someone.

Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?

Kids: Because you're a psycho path.

Why do orphans pray to God?

So they have someone to call father.

If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

why do orphans go to church?

because they can finally call someone "father."

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Like if you meet someone emo.