Someone jokes

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

Get a head in life by decapitating someone.

If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?

Why were the Twin Towers traumatized about eating?

After someone said, "HERE COMES THE AIR PLANE(s)," it just wasn't the same..........

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought someone else was ugly, but then I saw you.

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.

why do orphans go to church?

because they can finally call someone "father."

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?...

'Cause they need to find someone to call DADDY.

Why did the electron leave the atom?

Because it had its ion someone else.

If someone is bullying you for being fat, remember, you're the bigger person, a MUCH bigger person.

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

Your forehead is so big someone thought it was a billboard.