Someone jokes
Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.
During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"
Killing someone is better than killing yourself.
When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.
I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.
After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."
The best way to tell someone that you don't like them is by texting them "370HSSV 0773H" and tell them to read it upside down.
Your hairline is so far gone that it looks like someone dropped a nuclear bomb on it.
What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?
Someone gets hurt.
Why did the orphan go to church?
So he had someone to call Father.
Someone tracked down a cripple and said, "You can hide, but you can't run!"
What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.
All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.
Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
Someone who COUNTS BARS all day!
A kid came to the orphanage with a dead fish. She was crying.
Why was the kid crying in the orphanage? Because someone came for the fish.
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?
They get a discount at the crematorium.
Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, "Why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed?" He wouldn't reply.
His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day, took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night, Thomas kept on thinking to himself, "I never said cheese before someone snapped my picture." He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend, "Fillet in him feel better."
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
What do you say after you throw an egg at someone? "Yolks on you!"
As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"