Someone jokes

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!

Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

I was in Russia at a stand-up comedy performance about someone making fun of Putin, but the jokes were awful. The execution was nice, though.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your way into someone's pants.

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

What do you call it when you rickroll someone in the LGBTQ?

You just got fruit-rolled.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

Why does an orphan go to church?

So they can call someone "father."

Nina, you better run to hell. You're going there anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't be mean to Alex!!!!!!!!!!! He is sweet, kind, loving, and protective!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Say _______ is so flat that when someone hit them, they got a paper cut!

What do you call someone with no nose and no body?

Nobody knows.

How do you know someone has Down syndrome?

They're doing better than you.

Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.

Someone dies.

When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."

What do you call someone who’s blond, beautiful, and listens to what you’re saying, but only hears what they want?

Womxn