Someone jokes

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

What do you call someone that is Mexican that has a BMW?

A big Mexican woman.

I'm as bored as heck, someone wanna chat?

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

It's sad someone has ligma.

Rules of dark humor.

1. Everything shall be touched.

2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.

Why do orphans go to church?

So they can call someone father!

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

This joke does not work in print, you have to speak it to someone.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Helen Keller.

Helen Keller who?

(Don't say anything).

Helen Keller who?

...you will get a laugh...ty.

When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.

Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"

Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

My brother got his legs chopped off, but someone FBI opened my basement door, but it wasn't my brother because he died of starvation in the basement.

What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn’t pull it out in time.

Someone eats glue and tells the other, "Sorry, can't stick around!"

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.

Double!

Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!

Triple!

Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

I kicked a ball into someone. Now I got a red card.