Someone jokes
What does a computer scientist do when someone tries to fight him?
He waves his arms like a space invader.
What's one way to drain someone's ego?
Hand them a mirror, and say they should see how ugly they turned out in life.
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?
That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!
Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?
Panera misled.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?
Why did the orphans go to the church?
Because they need someone to call "father."
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"