Someone jokes

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

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    • I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

    Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

    Solicitors are more likely to harass someone with a “no soliciting” sign on their front porch.

    I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

    One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

    Where are the others?

    They're in his freezer.

    Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?

    A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.

    Why are the same Sally jokes told over and over again?

    Because how can you tell jokes about someone who's dead?

    Hey guys, Billy has this weird disability where when he has sex with someone, he says their name really loud.

    Billy: Hey guys, I just got back from my DADS!!

    Wait, what Billy?

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    • What’s the difference between someone who is high on the spectrum [and] low on the spectrum? At least I can write this joke.

  • 5

    • When I try to roast someone; Boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii you stink!

    A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

    A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

    Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

    Please, can someone comment on this post to explain what satisfaction you get from joking about such serious issues?