Silence jokes

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

What did Steven Hawking say when the WiFi cut out?.........Nothing.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

what do baby’s and grenades have in common?

They both are silent but then when thrown at someone make a loud noise

Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?

Me: *silence*

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent.

The pterodactyl went in my bathroom and peed.

When I was in the shower, I couldn't hear it. Why? Because the "p" is silent.

Me: Knock knock.

Person: Who's there?

Me: No-one.

Person: No-one who?

Me:...........

Hitler walks into his meeting room, turns to his trusted staff, and says, “I want you to organize the execution of 10,000 Jews and one kitten.”

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Goering pipes up. “Mein Fuhrer, why do you want to kill a kitten?”

Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Jews.”

How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?

Marry her.

What do you call Helen Keller in a pitch black, sound proof room?

Redundant.

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.

Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”

Welp, that’s it.

Your mama is so ugly.

The Buddhist monks broke their vow of silence.

You call it death. I call it peace and quiet.

When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.

What did John Jay Smith say about Michael Joseph Jackson's death? NOTHING.