Short jokes
How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom.
Me: Calls 9-1-1.
Operator: 9/11, what’s your emergency?
Me: *hangs up*
Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months?
He lost May.
Why does Aaron have no friends? Because his spine is weird and he is fat.
I thought Gastown was in Vancouver, not in Wilkie, Saskatchewan.
My brother wanted to sharpen my pencil. I told him he had a point.
My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
Q) What do you call Iron Man when he can't swim?
A) Robert Drowney Jr.
What did the orphan say to the bowling ball?
"I am orphan!"
"You are bowling ball!"
Why didn't anyone laugh at pizza jokes?
Because they were too cheesy!
From your Dad.
I won’t be back for a while, it’s a very long line.
What do Indians call their father when they are born?
Data.
Atoms never touch, so it means, we haven't touched each other or anything. So, sir, I did not drop-kick that child.
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.
How do you make an elephant float?
One elephant, two scoops of ice cream, and a lot of root beer!
Why did Helen Keller walk in on someone in the bathroom?
Because she didn’t know it was the bathroom.