Short jokes
Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)
When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?
Til death do we park.
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
What's a book never written? Beautiful sights by a mountain, by a rocky hill!
Titanic walks into a bar. Britannic: "What would you like to drink?" Titanic: "An iceberg."
I suffered The Great Depression.
Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.
"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!
What Spider-Man movie does an orphan like? Homecoming.
What did the adopted poker player say?
"Will you raise me?"
Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans! 🏀🏀😆😆
"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
Where would an astronaut park his spaceship? A parking meteor.
Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.