Short jokes

P.l.a.n.e.

Precious lord, are nonbelievers evil?

Yo mama so fat, she plays tennis with Pluto.

Me: Mrs., can I read my book?

Teacher: Sure.

Me: *watching my Chromebook*

Be papered.

Mommy is a YouTuber, she can never spend time with me.

"The size doesn’t matter" - Ana from Frozen.

If a simp is staring at you, cover your mouth (they'll stop looking).

So Jessie Waters goes on TV without a gallon of hair gel. Oh wait, never mind!

Why do crack heads like to do it doggy style?

So one can peep out window and one can peep on floor.

What's a dumbfuck's favorite condiment to put on his burger?

Re-tarter sauce.

What would the main character from Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver be named if he was a Mexican?

Travis Spick-le.

Why you never have to give a balloon to Elsa?

Because she will let it goooooooooooooooo let it goooo!

What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?

"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"

I want to make another joke about Josef Vasicek, but I think if I make the NHL, I'll die in an airplane crash, so I won't risk it again.

Why was Josef Vasicek a Stanley Cup champion in 2006?

Because you know who was jealous and he went down in 2020.

What did Josef Vasicek think before the plane hit the ground?

"Oh shit, is my name still on the Stanley Cup?"

What do you call someone who is in an airplane crash who was a 2006 Stanley Cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes?

Josef Vasicek.

Build your ex a fire, and they're warm for a day.

Set your ex on fire and hide the smile/evidence.

Why don't cows make good policemen?

Because they refuse to go on steak-outs!

Stephen Hawking talks by clicks. Two clicks is "hi," and five is "dab me up."